December 2004 #5

The News of the Year

"Toot, toot" goes the train. At least that what’s they were saying in the top end in January as the first south-north inland express train snaked it’s way from Adelaide to Darwin.

The railway, dubbed the "steal caterpillar" by top enders, was completed over budget and well beyond its scheduled completion date. Our reporter in the top end, Sandy Deshert reports.

SANDY DESHERT: It’s been a long wait for top enders but it’s finally arrived, the steal caterpillar has got under way. However, the construction of this multi-billion dollar life-line has not been without controversy. I managed to catch up with Halliburton spokesperson and rail line construction superviser, "Knobby" Clarke.

SANDY DESHERT: Mr. Clarke, why did it take your company’s fully owned subsidiary, Kellog, Roote and Browne, so long in the construction of this track?

KNOBBY CLARKE: Well, you see, we had a war to fight. Two wars actually. Once we got the contracts from the US army we were committed to Afghanistan and Iraq. You Aussies are an impatient lot! It’s finished now and in 30 years you can have it back.

SANDY DESHERT: But what does the war in the Middle East have to do with our railway?

KNOBBY CLARKE: Impatient and slow. Boy, let me tell you something. Where do you think we were going to get all that scrap rail track from huh? Where do you think we could get all that press gang, cheap labour from? We’re a profit outcome driven company sir, proud to serve our country. When our troops land here in ’07, we need to make sure that they get the best rail service they can.

SANDY DESHERT: But don’t you think …

KNOBBY CLARKE: Our company motto is, whatever our troops spend to destroy it, we charge more to rebuild it.

SANDY DESHERT: Mr. Clarke, your company has been accused of rorting the contractual process and creaming profits by over quoting. What do you say to that.

KNOBBY CLARKE: Look son, are you from the ABC? Our company is a proud US company. We believe that if our politicians are going to spend your hard won taxes, they should spend them with us.

SANDY DESHERT: Mr. Clark, thank you.

KNOBBY CLARKE: The pleasure was all yours.

February’s top story was a real head turner as the Prime Miniature, John Howard, admitted that he did rely on the so-called "dodgy dossier" produced by British PM, Tony Blair, to justify the war on Iraq.

When asked why he relied on the dossier, Mr. Howard took a defensive tack. "I repudiate entirely the slur you have made on our intelligence community." Mr. Howard replied when asked why our own ASIO or DIO couldn’t produce something so well bound as their UK colleagues, that reporters should, "go ask them".

Speaking on another ABC program Mr Howard said, "to imply that our agencies are not up to the same toadying, grovelling, bottom kissing standards their colleagues in the US and Britain are, I think, reflects more on the standards of the ABC journalism than our security agencies competence".

With that, Mr. Howard, picked up is bat and ball and walked from the studio.

The ABC is investigating why Mr. Howard brought the bat and ball to the studio in the first place.

The footy season got under way in March in rather strange circumstances. It seems our boys have been playing up and the radio shock jock, talk back programs have been going wild.

It appears that local building and furniture repairers in resort towns up and down the New South Wales coast are up in arms over the latest antics of the so called "pre-season training runs" undertaken by footy teams in the lead up to this year’s competition.

Locals of the resort towns up and down the New South Wales coast have described the actions of players as confounding. Locals report that unlike previous years, there has been very little drunkenness, swearing and bad behaviour and definitely no spanking the monkey in public.

Reports have emerged that hundreds of young players were encouraged to take their mums along this year as a reward for all the early Saturday morning starts they made while their sons played junior footy.

New South Wales police are not at all happy with the player behaviour this year as they had rostered on hundreds of extra officers and built temporary holding cells in towns up and down the coast.

One lad told me that his mum’s dedication to doing all she could for his career had made him respect women and that he hopes he can find a woman just like his mum to be the mother of his children.

It has been a big year in theatre this year but nothing surpasses the April opening of the block buster Australian stage play and musical, "Pig’s Arse I did"

The opening night was a stunner as John Elliott took to the stage in his debut role as the central character of this long awaited musical extravaganza.

Based on his life story, the play was conceived and written by a group of his friends from the Liberal party and Carlton football club, and the central story focuses on the rise and fall of the tycoon.

Starring alongside Elliott are Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman with a feature a guest appearance by Eric Bana. The three and a half hour show is jam packed with songs, dance and witty repartee. The twist in the casting is that Elliott doesn’t play himself.

Hugh Jackman is the one who dons a rather complicated prothesis and has critics clamouring for superlatives to describe his portrayal of the man who claims to have copyrighted the term "Pigs Arse".

A superbly dressed Nicole recreates a character reminiscent of her role in "BMX Bandits" as the femme fatalé who, in this fictional play, leads Elliott in to trouble, intrigue and espionage.

Eric Bana, having gained permission from Chopper Read, has only slightly altered his representation of the convicted criminal to play the henchman the young Elliott employed to make his way to the top of the Liberal Party.

One portly matron I spoke to on opening night said that Bana’s make up made him look even more scary than Andrew Peacock ever did in real life.

But the night is Elliott’s. His character appears for the first time singing the theme tune "You’ve got the money, but I’ve got the gun". His appearance as a Supreme Court judge was greeted with "ohs" and "ahs" as he sang his way across the courtroom set.

The finale, well I wont spoil it for those who haven’t seen it yet, but lets just say it involves a long stretch, some long knives and huge bill picked up by one of the minor characters, Joe Public, dreadfully underplayed by the up and coming Phil Ruddock Jnr.

Shane, this is one hell of a musical and Elliott, even though a first timer as the centre of attention, plays his character with conviction and a real captivating power. I know you don’t like gossip but let me tell you rumours are about that, Rene R, you know the big ‘Rs’ from Sydney, has engaged a bunch of his pals to do something similar on him.

Well things got rough in the White House in May when US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, got a dressing down by his boss over claims that he knew about prisoner abuse in Iraq. Our award winning Washington based fashion reporter, George "Potomac" Stone filed this report.

GEORGE STONE: It’s hard to believe that only 12 months ago, George Bush, Condaleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell and John Ashcroft told the world the war in Iraq was won and the US was the victor. But things are unravelling in the White House as fresh allegations emerge about the abuses taking place in Iraqi prisons.

The US chief interrogator, Major General Geoffrey Miller, the man who hand picked the natty orange prison wear for the Guantanomo Bay residents, has been accused of ordering prison guards in Iraq to dress their charges in the same way. New documents have been revealed that show this order, although denied by all at the top of the US government, was approved by Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

Appearing before a US Senate Committee hearing, Mr. Rumsfeld shocked the usually unflappable committee by admitting he not only approved the actions in Abu Graib, but actively encouraged Major General Miller to introduce the new prison wear.

In a carefully prepared speech Secretary Rumsfeld, outlined the US administrations approach to prison attire. He said that although dressing in orange was not something he personally would describe as degrading, he understood that some would be outraged. He said that he believed the report into prisoner abuses by Major General Antonio Taguba was flawed and that a review of prison fashions and accessories was not part of his brief.

US fashionista’s are up in arms about the abuses meted out to the prisoners. One group’s press release said that some things are better left to the cat walk and should never be foised upon the general public, especially, men in handcuffs. However, the press release went on to say that if the handcuffs matched the thong, traditionally worn under the orange garments, then that was OK.

It’s been a long established routine that spy agencies try and recruit their supposed enemies to turn and become double agents. New documents, uncovered by this program, reveal that for decades the Australian Security and Intelligence Organisation, ASIO, has been recruiting the very terrorists our governments tell us we should be afraid of.

We can now reveal that in June of this year, ASIO formally adopted the principle of MIST – Middle East Interception, Suspect Training. This training involves the recruitment of men of Middle Eastern appearance and attempts to get them to rat on their communities.

The scope of the project is so large that ASIO has had to put on extra staff to process the intelligence glut resulting from the inflow of information from the MIST operatives.

We can now reveal, in a "News of the Year" exclusive the following facts about the terrorists among us.

It has emerged from the intelligence into the Middle Eastern population in our major cities that many of these people eat mutton. That’s right, sheep.

The ASIO assessment of this situation is that these activities pose a serious threat to Australian sheep who, in order to meet strict religious requirements surrounding the slaughter and preparation of meat, will be kept in humane conditions and prayed over prior to being killed with as least pain and suffering as possible.

It is understood by this reporter that ASIO kept this information secret as a matter of National Security because they were concerned that if it leaked out it could cause alarm and panic within the wider community.

An ASIO operative, who spoke exclusively to me, and only on the condition that his name not be revealed (Frank Sawer, Flat 12, 43 Samson Street, Lyneham, Canberra, phone 02 6033 007), said that he felt no remorse in keeping secrets from the general population. He also told me he had no problems lying to or cheating on his wife if it meant keeping the country safe.

ASIO officials, contacted by this program have refused to comment on this startling revelation of the threats to our national security.

July

It’s been a tough year for the nation’s poker machine operators. Around the nation falling revenues, successful legal action against them and changes to state legislation has changed the face of the poker machine industry.

State governments had been accused of becoming wedded to the teat of gambling due to the huge tax windfalls coming by way of licences and fees. Over $2 billion dollars flowed into government coffers and they reaped the benefits of the gambling addictions state laws helped to encourage.

All that changed in July when the gambling operators, state revenue offices and government officials were successfully prosecuted in the High Court of Australia. In one of the most complicated legal actions brought before the Court, addicted gamblers and their families won huge compensation pay outs.

These proceedings stemmed from the Tasmanian case launched against that states regulator. In that case an addicted gambler’s family sued their local pub for not limiting the amount their father gambled each week. The pub then successfully sued the poker machine contractor for not putting limits on the amount patrons could gamble. The poker machine contractor then sued the state government for not legislating limits to the amount their machines could accept. The state government then sued the federal government for not adequately funding the state via tax revenue returns and thus causing them to rely on the income from gambling proceeds.

The federal government then sued TV, radio, magazine and newspaper outlets for publicising gambling as a ‘recreational’ pursuit. The media proprietors then launched a counter suit which claimed, and I’m quoting, "all Australian residents and citizens are responsible for the rise in gambling by their pursuit of leisure and recreational activities".

The High Court’s judgement was met with a mixed reception. Gambling support counsellors said it was a victory for them as the numbers of poker machines would be capped at less than the three million governments had asked for. State revenue offices report that with the drop in expected income education, health and sports programs would be jeopardised. Poker machine operators complained that their ability to earn substantial profits would be severely hindered while the lawyers in the case were happy to show off their new BMW’s, Mercedes and Range Rovers outside the Court.

While the final amount of compensation to be paid to gambling victims is subject to suppression order, the Judges determined that it could only be spent at an accredited race track or online betting agency.

It was a bumpy start to the run up to the election when it was revealed the Prime Minister, John Howard, knew more than he let on about the Children Overboard Affair.

In startling revelations a former senior adviser admitted to telling the PM that the pictures used in government PR in the lead-up to the 2001 election and which allegedly showed children thrown overboard, were, in fact, taken from a video of the 1999 parliamentary Christmas break-up party at Kiama beach.

When challenged about the claims on the ABC’s 7:30 Report, the PM became defensive.

PM: "Look Kerry, as PM I cant be across everything that happens in the run up to an election. I’ve got a country to win, run and so I use the information from my advisers and ministers as best I can".

KERRY O’B: "Surely Mr. Howard, as the Prime Minister it’s your responsibility to ensure that your staff and the staff of your ministers act responsibly and honestly at all times?"

PM: "Kerry, I know the ABC is chasing ratings but do I take offence at the slur you’re attempting to cast on my staff …"

KERRY O’B: "I was not casting a slur, I was asking …"

PM: "You just inferred that my staff were not honest and responsible and by that I suggest you are trying to cast aspersions on my reputation as a politician and I take great offence at that".

KERRY O’B: "Mr. Howard, all I want to know, indeed what all Australians have a right to know, is did you see Bob McMullen, in his speedo’s throw kim Beasley over his shoulder during the parliamentary break up party at Kiama beach in 1999?"

PM: "That is a terrible thing to say. Bob Mc Mullen has never been seen in public in his speedo’s. What is even worse, as far as I’m concerned, are reports in the papers that Amanda Vanstone was sunbaking topless. This has got to stop. Reputations are being questioned."

KERRY O’B: "Mr. Howard, I’ll ask again. Is it true your wife, Janet Howard, was seen dunking Bob Brown just beyond the breakers and outside the flags?"

PM: "…"

KERRY O’B: "I take it by your silence that you arent going to comment"

PM: "…"

KERRY O’B: "Prime Minister, thanks for your time".

PM: "Thank you Kerry".

Meanwhile in the kitchen of Tasmanian Premier Paul Lennon.

Jamie: Now what is here that you’ve got on the boil.

PAUL LENNON: "I call this one ‘greens and gravy union’. Its based on a recipe I created way, way back when I was Minister for Getting the Job Done. I take some greens, mix up a strong gravy mix – I’ll tell about that in a minute – and create a union of tastes that is, well, exquisite".

JAMIE: "Now tell me about that gravy".

PAUL LENNON: "Yes. What I do is take a large slab of Tasmanian natives, very had to find these days, offer them up to the investment gods and slice off little bits at a time before adding them to the pan. I then fry for about a generation and when its all reduced to a sloppy mush – you’ll have to forgive me I’m not sure of the technical term – I add my secret ingredient. Now, just for you Jamie, I’ll tell you what it is".

JAMIE: "Please do".

PAUL LENNON: "It’s called subsidy. What I do is take a large slab of a really rare herb called public funds, and convert it to grants that I then add to the business end of the native industry. But that’s not all. An old mate of mine in the union movement suggested that in order to really top it off I should make sure that I grind the greens to a pulp prior to frying them. What do you think?"

JAMIE: "I think you’re one of the most brilliant amateur chef’s I’ve seen. After cooking the mix for some time Paul served up the dish with a side order of diced Tassie Devil and imported Canadian Salmon fricassee.

It seems the Howard Government cant put a foot wrong with the electorate. Returned in the October election with an overwhelming majority in the House of Representatives and due to take control of the Senate in July, our award winning parliamentary reporter, Jim Oakes, speaks with Senator Amanda Vanstone on the phone from Adelaide.

JIM OAKES: "Thanks for taking the time to speak with us Senator".

AV: "Always a pleasure Jim".

JIM OAKES: "Senator, given the huge victory your party had in the election do you think it will go to your collective heads. Should we expect some gloating?"

AV: "Jim, our focus is on the business of government. We don’t have the luxury of time to contemplate what it must be like to be a bunch of back flipping, soft cock losers. Among the members I’ve slept, spoken with, our focus is on the good work we’ll do in this term".

JIM OAKES: "Yes Minister, I hear what you’re saying. But don’t you think a little rib tickling of Her Majesty’s Opposition is called for"?

AV: "Jim, our role is to govern for all Australians. Even the fickle minded, weak kneed, snivelling Labour, Green and … what’s their name, … mmm, Democrats, that’s it, Democrat voters. Look, we don’t care who you voted for, if you voted for them then sucks onya as far as I’m concerned".

JIM OAKES: "Yes Minister. Don’t you think that your critics who say that the Howard government has lost its sense of compassion with things like the incarceration of children, the dismantling of ATSIC and the failure of the government to introduce legislation that would prevent James Hardie from weaseling out of their responsibilities to asbestos victims. Don’t you think a more compassionate approach is what is needed in this term"?

AV: "Jim, our responsibilities are to the electorate and all true Australians. Now as you know we define all true Australians as those who 1) voted for us; 2) are white and employed; 3) true Australians don’t criticise the government and 4) who are committed to the war on terror".

JIM OAKES: "Yes Minister. Finally, is there any truth in the rumour that you were seen topless sunbathing during the 1999 Parliamentary Christmas break up at Kiama beach".

AV: "Sorry Jim I didn’t get that last question".

From politicians to the judiciary now. In November a very unusual case involving a judge, a bottle of blood and a video camera kept us intrigued for a week or two. Its not often we get to find out what a judge does under their robes as they sit behind that high bench, even more startling is what they do when decked out in their robes and they take to the sanctuary of their private chambers.

In what seemed like an innocent act, more in line with an American Pie type movie, a noted judge found himself in the dock when a security video revealed what he got up to when everyone else went home.

In evidence presented to the court today, it was revealed that a judge, who cant be named for legal reasons, was found to have attempted to revive his pet gold fish by sprinkling highly alcohol laced human blood on his ailing pet.

Although it’s not known who the blood came from, medical experts who tested the blood found that it contained enough alcohol to have convicted the person, if caught driving, of being above the limit had they tried to deliver the sample by car.

In the graining video tape played to the packed court, the judge is seen entering his chambers in full regalia. He then can be plainly seen taking a small vial from under his robe. The vial has a dark liquid in it which he proceeds to pour into the aquarium. The fish can be seen to convulse slightly before it seems to revive and begins swimming around.

A veterinarian called in as an expert defence witness said that although he couldn’t comment on the seemingly miraculous recovery of the gold fish, he would not try that type of treatment himself.

The defence team for the Judge have entered a plea of not guilty on counts of animal cruelty but have accepted the lesser charge of serving alcohol to a minor. The judge was fined $500 and ordered to take his fish to 12 Step meetings for one year.

Our final story is a disturbing one and it contains material that may have deep, lasting psychological affects if heard by small children. It begins innocently enough, but a warning, it contains graphic material.

It began some time ago and no-one is sure exactly where, but by Christmas time it had become apparent that Indigenous Australians had won a great victory in the Federal Parliament.

As we all know the Howard government has been using the rhetoric of "mutual obligation" since it came to power in 1996. What is also well known is that the government agenda seems to target those most unable to defend themselves or buy their way out of the government imposed obligations.

In a major policy change announced by the Minister for Aboriginal Affairs, Amanda Vanstone, the government will now impose a "mutual obligation levy" on all tax payers who earn more than $200,000 per year.

A press release issued by the Minister’s office stated that, quote, "Indigenous Australians have no-one else to blame but themselves for this victory. It will see a 5% levy imposed on all high income Australians that will be set aside to remedy the appalling social, medical and educational conditions under which many of our First Australians live." End quote.

It us understood that the government is also considering extra levies on luxury items such as imported Cuban cigars, Russian caviar, Brazilian waxes and on all motor vehicles costing over $100,000.

In commenting on these changes a spokesperson for the "Wealthy Australians are Revolting" movement, a self proclaimed grass roots lobby group made up of some of Australia’s most wealthy families, including members of Parliament, said that the imposition of "mutual obligation" on the wealthy was a contravention of the Australian constitution.

The spokesperson said they would be seeking a High Court injunction to halt the introduction of the bill invoking this change once the government controlled both houses of parliament.

Meanwhile in a related development, seen as a direct result of this policy change, remote Aboriginal communities will be funded to provide a no cost medical service with at least one full time doctor and nurse for each region.

And in late breaking news, the Democrats have sold a video to a major commercial news channel. In the deal, for an undisclosed sum, the Democrats have sold the video which is reported to provide video evidence that shows Bob McMullen in speedos and Amanda Vanstone sunbathing topless during the 1999 parliamentary Christmas beach party at Kiama . What’s more the video is reported to contain graphic images of Janet Howard repeatedly pushing Bob Brown’s head under the water as they swim beyond the flags.