As we read, hear and see more about how the Imperial adventure in the
Middle East is going bottom up, a little known terrorist threat
is looming on our back door. A bioterrorist threat more
dangerous, destructive and devastating than anything seen
before. This little discussed threat is, I’m sure, being
monitored at the highest levels of our intelligence community
and is receiving the just attention it deserves. It was only by
luck (good or bad is yet to be determined) that I stumbled
across this threat and I feel it is my patriotic duty to share
it with you as it seems our lickspittle media and spineless
politicians are unprepared to inform you.
Just a couple of weekends ago my awareness was expanded by a short visit
to the local shopping centre. Arriving there all looked fine to
me. There was no outward signs of the turmoil being unleashed
within the confines of this concrete, steel and glass bunker. As
credit cards flashed, heels clicked and low level chatter or
raucous laughter filled the cavernous trading halls, a little
noticed group fanned out and infiltrated the cosmetics sections
of the larger retailers.
To the untrained eye and until that Saturday I must admit my eyes weren’t
skilfully attuned to the vagaries of biological warfare, this
group went largely unnoticed. Disguised as ordinary women, some
rather plain looking, others more flamboyant, this group spread
out, in what I came to perceive, as a loose insurgent formation.
To quote Donald Rumsfeld, and to be truthful I had not realised how spot
on his words were when I first heard them, “As we know, there
are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know
there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some
things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the
ones we don't know we don't know”.
It started at the Estée Lauder counter with something called “Wicked
Raspberry”. This small canister looked innocent enough to the
untrained eye. As I said, at that time I too suffered from the
myopia of ignorance and didn’t see the connections between a
seemingly innocent act and the destructive intent of the
terrorists among us. My lovely wife took the small canister and
wiped it across her lips. This act, being one of the unknown
knowns, I had seen repeated by her hundreds of times before. In
fact she had a collection of these small canisters at home and
from time to time would remove the protective cover and smear
the contents on her lips, an act that had almost miraculous
results. However, this day my lovely wife was to fall prey,
perhaps becoming the first victim, to this new form of
For some time we browsed through the aisles visiting Givenchy, Helena
Rubinstein, Elizabeth Arden, Nina Ricci, Chanel and Christian
Dior. All of these companies I came to realise were developing,
manufacturing and transporting potential weapons of mass
destruction all over the world. Their brazen plan was to not try
and hide their weapons of mass disfigurement but to put them on
display in the highest profile locations they could. Not only
that, it seems these makers of death had conscripted movie stars
and celebrities to promote their wares. Just image the outcry if
Tom Cruise and Angelina Jolie did an ad like this one.
Tom, “I like a women with Power”. Angelina (with rock music swelling
under), “Tom, you ain’t seen nothing yet”. Tom, “Show me baby”.
Angelina, “Get on board and hold on”. Voice over girl, “When
good looks alone are not enough, use Power by Raytheon. Raytheon
delivering death to those you hate most” (big rock music ending
under vision of mushroom cloud fading into Tom and Angelina
lying entwined on bed).
No. These companies have a much more subtle plan. Rather than recruiting
big, hairy faced men in scarves, these companies have trained
operatives who look like, depending on their rank and
experience, your mother or your sister or the girl all the boys
wanted to ask out in year ten. These operatives are infected
with Folliculitis or Herpes Simplex. They are trained to wander
around the cosmetic aisles and lure the unsuspecting victim into
a tryst with fate.
Their plan, undiscussed in the media and to this day remaining undisclosed
in the political argy bargy that passes as government, is to
infect the women of Australia with diseases that render them
unable to mingle with their families, friends or work
colleagues. These bio terrorism operatives have one intent; to
bring down our economy by preventing women from leaving their
homes due to unsightly eruptions on and near their mouths.
Causing blisters, erupting pustules and making women hide their faces from
us, these diseases are potentially more debilitating for ‘the
economy’ and ‘our way of life’ than such puny efforts as parcels
full of talcum powder or crackers in the letter box. These
diseases have the potential to bring down nations by preventing
women from taking part in everyday life, from contributing to
the development of society and being part of the wider effort to
create a better home life environment.
While our women spend their recreation time and their hard earned cash
browsing through the great shopping halls of our multiplexes,
when will the call go out that sharing lippy testers is a toxic
hazard? When will the little fridge magnets arrive declaring,
from a smiling Ray Martin face, that sharing lipstick testers is
dangerous for your health? When will the retail chains be forced
to the remove the displays, decontaminate their aisles and
remove this bio hazard from the shelves of their stores?
It started with one little stick of Wicked Raspberry but where will it
end? I can’t answer that but what I do ask is that, as
responsible Australians, men must rise up and take back what is
rightfully ours. That is, our right to snog our lovely women
folk when the mood is right. Surely, if our politicians want to
protect us from the horrors of poxy mouths, they have the
responsibility and duty to immediately pass a law outlawing the
use of weapons of mass disfigurement and ensure they are banned.
In closing I ask that you take care when traversing the now dangerous and
booby trapped aisles of the major retail chains. Once you
thought it was just your cash position that was under threat.
Now we know it’s the faces of the women around us that are the
target of unscrupulous vagabonds intent on disrupting our
national way of life.
So, next time you’re in the cosmetic department be on the look out for
women acting suspiciously and do whatever you can to prevent the
women you love from using the lippy testers. You never know
where the lips of the previous user have been trained!