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Ever since I first saw a magician chop a lady in half I’ve wondered how it was done. How did the man with the funny hat cut the lady in half with a huge handsaw and then put her back together without any blood or noticeable injury? Wow. I wished I could do that. Many years later I’m sitting here thinking, how is it that the men in funny hats are telling me they’re going to cut Telstra in half – or perhaps even quarters or smaller – and still make sure it functions exactly like it did before the magic trick? How will they do it?
I guess the answer is quite obvious. The lady in the magic show I saw when I was a boy was never really cut in half in the first place. It was all smoke and mirrors. Telstra, on the other hand, is not a lady but to many she is a source of nourishment, employment and enjoyment. Like the magician’s assistant, Telstra is a vital part of the act.
Nonetheless the freemarketeers and their front man and his three amigos seem intent on chopping up the service many people rely on for their employment, enjoyment and nourishment. While the focus has been on the supposed infighting, the real action remains hidden behind a pall of smoke and a wall of mirrors.
Phil Burgess, it would seem, has been appointed the honorary title of smoke man. His role, as it appears, is to distract us from both the history of him and his fellow ‘managers’ and to provide a lightning rod for public angst over the sale. Not only that he is akin to the company clown who has to come up with the funny lines and be the butt of everyone else’s jibes and jokes. Sol and Phil are close. They share a history as directors of the “Progress and Freedom Foundation” one of the many US free market think tanks.
The PFF mission statement lays out its views on government (should focus on protecting those who have property from those who don’t), wealth creation (there should be no government regulation of markets), taxes (should be lower for telcos) and privatization (everything including telcos should be privately owned). In short they’re freemarketeers who see government of the people by the people as a nuisance that should be done away with. In their current show they want to call the shots and the stage manager, if there is to be one, is only there to keep the nuisance public off the stage and away from the props.
Enter the men and women in the top hats and tails, the stage managers. There are so many of them needed for this show it’s a little hard to keep track of them all. There’s John and Peter, Barnaby and Warren, Mark and Helen, Kim and Steven to name just a few. The Grand Ring Master and MC is, of course, Sol. Although he long ago shed the sombrero and poncho he kept the moustache so that he could maintain his claim to an underprivileged background.
Sol has been able to charm some in the top end of town with his hokey, blokey mix of old Mexican charm and that great Cheech Martin moustache of his. A closer examination of his corporate history reveals a man intent on cutting costs, removing customer service and generally letting the bottom line rule. He also has a very healthy ego (always a necessity for a front of stage performer) and since he got whipped by Joe Nacchio in the merger between US West, the “runt” of US telcos and Qwest, has wanted to prove to the world that he is the biggest, meanest, son of a bitch magician around.
With him at US West was Greg Winn who started his career as a linesman. At US West Winn became the VP for Operations and Technology and spent a lot of his time telling US West customers the problems they had with their phone services was not the fault of his company.
Also at US West was Bill Stewart. Bill held the lofty title of VP, Retail Market Strategies. Bill was very concerned about the impacts of regulation and universal service demands. Interestingly Bill, Greg and Sol were all at the top of the US West pile when company retirees launched a claim against it saying that the company had misused its retirement fund to boost its bottom line. Perhaps Sol, Phil, Greg and Bill need to stick John and Peter and Helen and Barnaby and Kim and Steven and Warren in the magician’s box and give them all a lesson in smoke and mirrors.
So the show goes on. With Phil out the front doing what he does best for Sol, pumping out the smoke, the show may have a long run. Phil believes that market forces should prevail, that endangered species and communities should be “considered” and that technology will get us out of any fix. He also believes that “faith based institutions” will get us out of any trouble – so long as their leaders are “experienced”.
The top hat and tails men and women seem to be faltering in their ability to control the show at the moment. But I think that’s just the smoke getting in their eyes. They know full well what the sale of Telstra will mean for “all Australians”. They know so much that they employed a bunch of privateers to sell it off and now they seem to be confused by the passionate manner in which the Ring Master and his three amigos are going at the task.
Hands have been wrung. Brows have been furrowed but nothing changes. The Ring Master and his magicians of the show have blinded the Stage Managers with their smoke and dazzled them with their mirrors as they promise more and more power, fame and wealth to those who pretend to control the stage area. The Ring Master and the magicians have nothing to lose and everything to gain from the show. They know that their professional indemnity insurance (otherwise known as a fat contract with a large termination clause) will protect them if the lady in the box does bleed a little. They also know that some shows go better than others and that not all audiences can suspend disbelief long enough to enjoy the performance.
So as we the people take our seats to watch the greatest show in Australian corporate history unfold we should recall those fond youthful days when the men and women in top hats and tails, the Ring Master and the magicians kept us enthralled with their tricks. The show promises to be full of twists, turns and jaw dropping stunts. Why, we should be pleased that we have not been charged any extra for watching the pre-show entertainment with all its back flips, flip flops and rough and rumble.
Some reviewers say that time will tell whether the current show will provide all the thrills and spectacular outcomes it promises. Other reviewers say that we should walk out now because if we stay all we will go away with is empty pockets and a sore behind.
For me, being older and just a little wiser, I watch the performance a little more skeptically than I used to. I still thrill at the tricks and slight of hand they use to convince me something fantastic has happened. But, alas, being older and a little more world weary I also realize that for every trick done with smoke and mirrors there has been a long planning and rehearsal phase just so the deception and trickery looks more real than real life itself.