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As we read, hear and see more about how the Imperial adventure in the Middle East is going bottom up, a little known terrorist threat is looming on our back door. A bioterrorist threat more dangerous, destructive and devastating than anything seen before. This little discussed threat is, I’m sure, being monitored at the highest levels of our intelligence community and is receiving the just attention it deserves. It was only by luck (good or bad is yet to be determined) that I stumbled across this threat and I feel it is my patriotic duty to share it with you as it seems our lickspittle media and spineless politicians are unprepared to inform you.
Just a couple of weekends ago my awareness was expanded by a short visit to the local shopping centre. Arriving there all looked fine to me. There were no outward signs of the turmoil being unleashed within the confines of this concrete, steel and glass bunker. As credit cards flashed, heels clicked and low level chatter or raucous laughter filled the cavernous trading halls, a little noticed group fanned out and infiltrated the cosmetics sections of the larger retailers.
To the untrained eye, and until that Saturday I must admit my eyes weren’t skilfully attuned to the vagaries of biological warfare, this group went largely unnoticed. Disguised as ordinary women, some rather plain looking, others more flamboyant, this group spread out, in what I came to perceive, as a loose insurgent formation.
To quote Donald Rumsfeld, and to be truthful I had not realised how spot on his words were when I first heard them, “As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know”.
It started at the Estée Lauder counter with something called “Wicked Raspberry”. This small canister looked innocent enough to the untrained eye. As I said, at that time I too suffered from the myopia of ignorance and didn’t see the connections between a seemingly innocent act and the destructive intent of the terrorists among us. My lovely wife took the small canister and wiped it across her lips. This act, being one of the unknown knowns, I had seen repeated hundreds of times before by her. In fact she had a collection of these small canisters at home and from time to time would remove the protective cover and smear the contents on her lips, an act that had almost miraculous results. However, this day my lovely wife was to fall prey, perhaps becoming the first victim, to this new form of bioterrorism.
For some time we browsed through the aisles visiting Givenchy, Helena Rubinstein, Elizabeth Arden, Nina Ricci, Chanel and Christian Dior. All of these companies I came to realise were developing, manufacturing and transporting all over the world weapons of mass destruction. Their brazen plan was to not try and hide their weapons of mass disfigurement but to put them on display in the highest profile locations they could. Not only that it seems these makers of death had conscripted movie stars and celebrities to promote their wares. Just image the outcry if Tom Cruise and Angelina Jolie did an ad like this one.
Tom, “I like a women with Power”. Angelina (with rock music swelling under), “Tom, you ain’t seen nothing yet”. Tom, “Show me baby”. Angelina, “Get on board and hold on”. Voice over girl, “When good looks alone are not enough, use Power by Raytheon. Raytheon delivering death to those you hate most” (big rock music ending under vision of mushroom cloud fading into Tom and Angelina lying entwined on bed).
No. These companies have a much more subtle plan. Rather than recruiting big hairy faced men in scarves, these companies have trained operatives who look like, depending on their rank and experience, your mother or your sister or the girl all the boys wanted to ask out in year ten. These operatives are infected with Folliculitis or Herpes Simplex. They are trained to wander around the cosmetic aisles and lure the unsuspecting victim into a tryst with fate.
Their plan, undiscussed in the media and to this day remaining undisclosed in the political argy bargy that passes as government, is to infect the women of Australia with diseases that render them unable to mingle with their families, friends or work colleagues. These bio terrorism operatives have one intent; to bring down our economy by preventing women from leaving their homes due to unsightly eruptions on and near their mouths.
Causing blisters, erupting pustules and making women hide their faces from us, these diseases are potentially more debilitating for ‘the economy’ and ‘our way of life’ than such puny efforts as parcels full of talcum powder or crackers in the letter box. These diseases have the potential to bring down nations by preventing women from taking part in everyday life, from contributing to the development of society and being part of the wider effort to create a better home life environment.
While George the Lesser has the gall to get up in front of the US people and declare that dying with your guts ripped out through a hole in your chest leaving you to die on some dirt in Iraq is an honourable thing for young marines to do, I ask you, what attention did he give to the lips of our women? While Little Johnny How-hard gave up his time to tell us how great a bloke a swearing, drinking, loud mouth US resident was, when have you heard from him or big Phil Ruddock about the threat that has managed to escape the notice of Her Tentness, Mandy Blunderstone? I’ll tell you when, never!
While our women spend their recreation time and their hard earned cash browsing through the great shopping halls of our multiplexes, when will the call go out that sharing lippy testers is a toxic hazard? When will the little fridge magnets arrive declaring, from a smiling Ray Martin face, that sharing lipstick testers is dangerous for your health? When will the retail chains be forced to the remove the displays, decontaminate their aisles and to remove this bio hazard from the shelves of their stores?
It started with one little stick of Wicked Raspberry but where will it end? I can’t answer that but what I do ask is that, as responsible Australians, men must rise up and take back what is rightfully ours. That is, our right to snog our lovely wives when the mood is right. Surely, if Johnny wants us to return to the values of the 1950’s he has the responsibility and duty, now that he has control of the Senate, to immediately pass a law outlawing the use of weapons of mass disfigurement and ensure they are banned.
In closing I ask that you take care when traversing the now dangerous and booby trapped aisles of the major retail chains. Once you thought it was just your cash position that was under threat. Now we know it’s the faces of the women around us that are the target of unscrupulous vagabonds intent on disrupting our national way of life. So, next time you’re in the cosmetic department be on the look out for women acting suspiciously and do whatever you can to prevent the women you love from using the lippy testers. You never know where the lips of the previous user have been trained!