They’re small, they’re rowdy, they move in packs and they can smell bad. And they must be subdued before they take over the world. Although some look cute and cuddly, most of them are shaggy, shabby and are not, repeat not, to be trusted. Turn your back and bear the consequences. I’m talking about one of the most fundamental problems facing Australian society and the future of this nation as a democracy. This problem must be solved and we have been promised strong action from our political leaders.
Mark Latham, would be PM if he could be, put it succinctly last week when he said that if Labor came to power one of their first priorities would be "to solve the yoof problem".
Yoof are a new breed of human beings. They are, it has been said, akin to alien life forms and some adults are convinced that their children have been body snatched and an impostor is living inside their kids.
Yoof run riot. They are hard to control and under no circumstances should they be left unsupervised for extended periods. They foul our air with body odours and colognes of dubious brands. They sully our visual landscape with paint scrawled graffiti. They are a financial burden and the most rabid consumers of new fads and hobbies and they consume over priced, under nutritious junk food like adults breath air.
The female yoofs have a propensity to steal from shops, smoke cigarettes and get pregnant. They wear garish hair styles, short skirts and high heels in some cases. In other cases they have short hair, hairy legs, use bad language and laugh a lot. Both the male and female yoof sub species are not capable of sustaining life and I, personally, am relieved that at long last a potential leader of Australia, my home, will take action to rid our society of this blight.
When I discover exactly where the terrain this sub species occupies is, I will pass on that information so that you and I (both) can avoid exposure and possible infection from one of their diseases.
I can still remember my youth and my excitement as I approached voting age. While, in my house, politics was not often discussed there was a certain solemnity on polling days. I can remember the bunting, the pamphlets and the bustle of the local polling booth. While these things have remained the same one fundamental change has occurred to the polling process. Its called "brand management".
Manufactures know that if they want a product to gain "market share" the "consumer" must be able to differentiate it from other, similar products in the marketplace. Labor knows that when it comes to market share, the Howard government has been able to produce the best "brand" of international security fear mongering. Labor’s spin doctors know they cant beat Howard on that and border protection. So, in order to differentiate their "brand" of politics from the Coalition’s, they "market test" concepts, ideas and slogans.
Yoof, as far as I know is not a registered trademark – yet! Who knows, the Labor party might take out a patent if the concept gains "traction". Leave Howard to fight the war ‘over there’, Labor will fight the war ‘over here’ and fix the problem of yoof.
Modern politics is not about governing for all. Its not about ensuring an equitable distribution of wealth and services. Its about "brand management" and it seems Latham is adopting the methods Blair’s spin doctors used to get the British Labor party into power after years in the political ‘wilderness’ (note the messianic connotations of that term). I can still recall a pommy mate saying how glad he was that Blair got in and how he was going to fix the excesses of Thatcherism. Within two years he was saying he wondered if Thatcher had never left the parliament and if she was still running things.
What Blair succeeded at and what Latham is now trying to do is to find an issue or issues that will give Labor "brand power" and offer an attraction that is more compelling than the other brand so we will "spend" our vote with them rather than the other brand.
The problem is that … there is no problem with yoof. The problem is the system that denies young people the hope of a future, unless you’re from one of the wealthy families. Strange isn't it how poverty is a "problem" that needs to be solved but we never hear of obscene wealth being a problem that should be solved.
The problem that needs to be solved is the systemic denial of opportunity for young people to express their concerns and shape the future they will inherit. Oh, I forgot Labor is going to give everyone a ladder! The problem is middle aged, wealthy white guys making laws that deny young people the opportunity to take up meaningful and productive positions within their communities.
The problem is that young people who live in areas of little opportunity, like the one I live in, are sanctioned if they don’t want or cant travel up to two hours to a low paid, menial job.
The problem is a system that ignores the plight of the most vulnerable of young people, those with disabilities, and relegates the most disabled to aged nursing homes as if they have no perception of the world around them and thus will be oblivious to their surroundings.
Brand politics is the pox of democracy and yoof, believe it or not, are our future. I’ll share a little secret. I was a yoof and in many ways I still am – except I smell better these days. I and my kids are not the problem. My kid’s friends are not the problem. The kids I meet every day are not the problem. They are human beings not the raw materials for another fear campaign.
When the poll rolls around please spend your vote wisely. Neither major party has an agenda for fixing the real problems because they are part of the problem. There is no battle more important to be fought in order to ensure our yoof are given the space to grow and develop into the people they have the potential to become. The only way they will be able to do that is if we, the ones who have the buying power at the polling booth, spend carefully.