A short story of my adventure on the Ladder of Opportunity, titled, "A Day on the LOO".
I began my long a journey up the Ladder of Opportunity the other day. However, it was not too long before I found myself mired up to the proverbial gunwales in doo doo.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but, nonetheless, I was. For as I looked down and around, what I saw was not the expected doo doo, but a doo doo of entirely different form. It was the doo doo of the Back Flip Flop party. While not having the offensive odor of your average Aussie doo doo, it did have a peculiar stench that reeked of something I can only guess as approaching the foul smell of chemical weapons of mass destruction.
While I cannot vouch for certain that the doo doo was entirely of their own making, I’m pretty sure that on what the Back Flip Flop party left behind (and which I had now encountered on my journey to the dizzying heights) I could make out the skid marks of a party caught in a Rawlieghs moment. The skid marks seemed to indicate a series of ‘U’ turns, reverse maneuvers, back flips, back flops and non core doo doo left behinds. In short I found myself slipping and sliding on a never ending, unstable and to be frank, quite scary pile of, well, fly food. I understood immediately that this group had not had the benefit of the Ladder as we are now promised.
Upon recovering my senses and balance, I continued on my way up the LOO and found that a small pile of gargoyles had been placed daintily around and about. On closer inspection I found the small, curious figures were the remnants of a once mighty group of warriors, now turned to stone. The Gargocrats were a small but valiant group that had stood up in the doo doo. However, in embracing so much of the doo doo in their quest to rise above it, they found themselves overwhelmed and turned to stone, immobile and frozen in their last steps, never to make battle again. I soon realised that they too had not had the benefit of the LOO,
Climbing further up this wonderful Ladder of Opportunity, I came across a grassy knoll. A small plaque had been erected in the center of the knoll and I bent down to read it. Inscribed in a fine, cursive script were the words "We came. We camped. We sat. We hugged." It was signed, "The Greens". I then remembered this other small group who had moved up to the battlefront. Mowed over, chopped down, they too eventually succumbed to the inevitable rising tide of doo doo. Their gallant efforts thwarted by their own small size and unwillingness to climb the rungs of the LOO.
By now I was rather weary and sought some respite in the Café of the Ultimate Consumption just a few rungs further up the Ladder. As I stepped off and onto the retreat I found the veracity of my efforts were challenged. A fee was required and I had to promise to share my seat with two others before I could order. When my customer identification number was finally called, I went to the counter. After a long delay I was finally served. The refreshments came wrapped in a "one size fits all" bag and the taste was rather bland. Perhaps my order, "The Laborers Salad" was not a good choice after all. The bill was more than I expected for a few slices of lettuce, a small square of cheese, a slice of salami and a dollop of 'special sauce' but I was told that was the cost of progress. There were to be no free luncheson the Ladder, the customer service attendant told me, and that I should be on my way.
My journey up the LOO was soon to be unfortunately interrupted by a burning sensation from deep inside. I had to retrace my steps quickly. Past the Café of the Ultimate Consumption. Over the grassy knoll. Around the Gargocrats and beyond the Back Flip Flop party to the relief of my own garderobe.
Some might say that it was a cruel twist of fate that I was deprived of the goal of reaching the lofty heights of the LOO. I would respond to those who offer that condolence that I have been promised a return visit, in fact as many as I want, because unless I have the desire to climb that Ladder of Opportunity and exercise my individual will to succeed, I will never be a true Australian. The ladder remains to be conquered. More obstacles and personal challenges are to be faced. So my quest is not yet over and in the words of that well endowed thespian, "I will be back".